Research shows there are two fundamental beliefs people hold about relationships: they are growth beliefs and destiny beliefs. Each person navigates their relationships with one of these beliefs in mind.
To put it simply: a growth belief is when you see relationship challenges as an opportunity to better the relationship, while a destiny belief is when you see those challenges as a sign that the relationship isn’t going to work out. Those with growth beliefs tend to overlook signs of incompatibility, but they’re actually more likely to have healthier relationships than those who hold destiny beliefs. Does that mean the concept of compatibility is a flop? Not exactly.
When I joined Marriage Pact, I took on the role of figuring out what makes two people really compatible. I was excited, but there was this nagging idea in the back of my mind that compatibility just wasn’t as important to your relationships as the effort you’re willing to put into them. As a person with strong growth beliefs, I struggled with this paradox—my personal beliefs seemed to be in direct conflict with the beliefs I needed in my research. I spent a lot of time reflecting on this cognitive dissonance, until I figured out the answer. Growth beliefs and destiny beliefs aren’t mutually exclusive.
I am of the firm belief that you could take any two people (provided the possibility of sexual attraction and similar age), put them together, and they could make it work if they really wanted to. But I also realized that ‘making it work’ takes time. Time that a lot of people would rather not spend trying to figure out a lasting relationship with someone who doesn’t make them happy. Yes—any two people could eventually grow to love and understand each other on the deepest level—but how much does that matter if it takes you 50 years to do that?
Time is precious. Statistically speaking, there has to be someone out there right now that is the most compatible for you. But what does that mean? I’ve begun to think of these “soulmates” as people you can make a great relationship with in the shortest amount of time and with the least amount of road bumps. Relationships aren’t effortless, but they also don’t have to be hard—people with compatible personalities, values, romantic tendencies, and future goals just make for better (AKA easier) love. Save your time and energy, and let us find the person you’re destined to grow with.